I was about to make a very expensive mistake
Build Yourself First
I thought a new house would fix what was broken inside me.
A few years ago, I didn’t have a purpose. I had no real sense of how I wanted my life to feel or look.
I was living in an apartment, feeling isolated and a little lonely — and I was convinced what I needed was a house. Something to pour myself into. Something to rebuild.
I was working with a spiritual teacher I love deeply, Isa. I told her what I thought I needed.
She looked at me — lovingly, and without letting me off the hook — and said:
Noel, are you sure you want to build a new house right now, when you’re still trying to build a new me? What if we found your purpose first? What if you started building the life of your dreams, the business of your dreams, one step at a time?
Once you know you have days that you love, once the loneliness is gone from the inside — then you change your container. Then you upgrade. But I don’t think you’ll have the stamina, the time, or the energy to build a life, a business, and a new home all at once.
This was not what I wanted to hear. I was a little upset. A little puzzled.
But I listened. Because every time Isa had given me advice, it turned out to be the best advice I could have received.
So I let go of the house. And I started rebuilding from within.
Who do I want to be? Who do I want to become? What kind of business could I build that would align with my values — and give me community, purpose, and meaning every single day?
I did it. I built it.
And when I was already solid — when I knew exactly who I was — my husband and I bought the house of our dreams.
I poured love into every room. But here’s the thing: I already knew who I was within those walls. I already knew what I wanted that house to hold.
A year and a half later, I lost it. The Palisades fires took it.
The house is being rebuilt as we speak. Fourteen months waiting for permits. Financial strain. Hoop after hoop after hoop.
And yet — this time is different.
Not easier, exactly. But different in the most important way: I know who I am. I know what I stand for. I know the community I belong to and the work I’m here to do.
That knowledge hasn’t made the loss smaller. It’s made me bigger than the loss.
The house was never the foundation. I was.
This is what Isa understood that I couldn’t see yet: when you try to build a new life and a new home at the same time, you end up with neither.
But when you build yourself first — your purpose, your people, your inner architecture — everything else follows. And if something takes it away, you’re still standing. You already know how to begin again.
So I want to ask you something, and I’d like you to sit with it honestly:
What are you building right now — and in what order?
Are you renovating your outside hoping it will fix something on the inside? Or are you doing the harder, quieter, more essential work first — figuring out who you actually are beneath all the roles you’ve been carrying?
The order matters more than you think.
With love,
